13

A beautiful night out with a full moon, and it may as well be -40. That's how I feel; cold, lonely, and sad as a motherfucker. A friend asked me if I'd take my wife back after she had been seeing another guy. I told him yes, I would. People make mistakes. I'm partly to blame as I left her lonely. If I had been there for her maybe she wouldn't have felt the need to fill a void. I can't beat myself up over that-it's too late to change the past. The guy she was seeing should have known better than to get involved with a married woman, let alone bruise her arms, brainwash her, and, I think, give her drugs. That's okay, too. It's never to late to learn a lesson. In fact, I am a great teacher and I believe that education should be a lifelong endeavor. Enough said on that matter. I only hope that I have the chance to get back together with my wife- I love her. Many guys would have changed the locks on their doors and never spoken to the woman again if she had been seeing another guy. I couldn't do that. Again, I love my wife. And, had I done that...she'd be dead by now or locked up in an insane asylum. I tried to save her life. Even if I hated her I would have tried to save her life. My efforts were almost in vain. She tried to kill herself when she got home. Could it have been guilt over her seeing another guy? Depression from drugs? A nervous breakdown? Depression with no foreseeable hope for the future? Who knows. The important thing is that she is alive and gets better. Another friend tells me that a mistake isn't a mistake if you learn from it. He says it's a lesson. Well, this was one costly lesson, but I sure as hell learned from it. And if I ever do have the chance to hold my wife's hand again, to hug her, to have kids with her...I will never leave her lonely again. I'll show her how I feel about her. But...I will never love another. I will never open myself up to another. No more intimacy. I even have an idea that if things don't work out, I may take one last camping trip. A winter trip, of course. High up in the mountains. I know where and when. For now, it's back to being a zombie.