33.. # 9 Dream

32

Yeobo, it's my birthday. It really sucks. I just want to be with you on this day. That would be the best present I could get. I'd be happy to speak to you, to hear your voice, a laugh, a cry, anything to know you're doing okay. I understand you have no access to a phone or internet, and it hurts. But, if it's helping you then I'm cool with it. Just know that I'll be thinking of you all day and trying not to cry. Though the crying helps me get it out, I hate people bugging me..."What's wrong"? "What's the matter"? I don't want to talk to anyone, but telling them nothing's wrong is an obvious lie, and telling them to fuck off isn't nice. I'll write more later, Yeobo. Until then...sarang hae yo.

31

Yeobo, how are you doing? It must be awful to be stuck in a hospital with no outside contact except family visiting every so often. Stuck inside a hospital for such a long time with no outside food, sunlight, exercise, etc., Just doctors, nurses, and other patients. It must be maddening. Well, my heart is with you. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I will miss you tremendously. It would be so nice to be together, or at least to hear your voice. If you were here, I'd love to go to that raw fish restaurant in New York. You know the one. Take care, Yeobo. Be patient, you won't be in the hospital forever. Just relax and get well. I Love you.

30 ...Sarang Haeseoyo

29

가장 귀중한 Mi 젊음,
나 는 당신이 좋다는 것을 잘 감각다는 것을 희망한다. 사랑해요 순전히. 무엇이든에 관하여 고민하지 말라. 나는 좋다; 나는 만일 당신이 비행기표를 필요로 하거나, 우리가 제삼국에서 만나면 이어 떨어져 일하고 것을 지불하고 저장한. 중요한 것은 당신의 건강 및 복지이다. 나는 당신을 놓치고 매일 당신을 생각한다. 나는 당신의 그림을 보고 운다. 나가 느끼는 외로움 및 나 은 고통을 완화시키기 위하여 blog (웹사이트)를 만들었다. 그것은 당신에게 바쳤다. 당신, 그림 및 노래에 편지가 있다. 또한, 사랑해요 대단히와 다시 함께 저희의 꿈.

28

Hey people,
I'm still asking for donations to get a cheap scooter to get to work. Yeah, I know I have no pride. Guess what, I stopped caring about dumb things like that when my wife jumped off a bridge. Now, I'm trying to work my ass off and pay some crap off and have some money in case I need to send her a ticket, or meet her in a third country, or who knows. I'll freeze my ass off on a scooter in the winter, but it beats walking and at least then I can work my butt off. Better to help me out than to donate to the over-donated-to campaign funds of the politicians. Better to donate to me than to MOVEON. They've got millions and for what, to preach to the choir? To educate people on the evils of the GOP? They had better start educating people when they're still in diapers. Thanks in advance. The Desolate Angel.

27

Yeobo,
How are you? I am going nuts not knowing what's up. I am going nuts because I haven't seen or spoken to you in two weeks. Your mother hangs up on me, and I haven't heard anything from your brother in about five days. I will try to call your parents' again. I'll see what they do or say. I e-mailed your brother and I'm waiting for a reply. I hope you're well. I can see I will have to come up with a few plans. They are all, of course, top secret for now. I'll wait a little while and see which plan is the best course. Lots of love and take care of yourself.

26

Yeobo,
When you are feeling better physically...exercise. It will strengthen your body and help with depression. It's vital to physical and mental health. It will also make you feel good spiritually. Too much rest will make you lethargic and only serve to keep your spirit down. Get up, stand up...Don't give up the fight.

25

24

Yeobo,
It's been two weeks since I've seen or heard from you. I realize you are probably still in the hospital and resting, but your parents should not hang up on me, and I haven't heard from your brother in four days. This is not fair. They may think they can get away with this crap because I am not able to legally get into the country, but rest assured that they will not keep me from you. If I don't hear any news about you and don't speak to you soon, I will make other arrangements for getting in and seeing you. I will not let any government keep me from my wife. Governments are corrupt and filled with the worst people on the planet. I WILL see you whether I have to sneak into your country or not. I've written to immigration and hope to have a positive response soon. I wrote to the ambassador a week ago via e-mail and never heard back from him or his office. He's too busy running around Washington banging prostitutes and dining at fine restaurants. He is a coward. I do hope he chokes on his dinner. I hope you are well and I will find a way to contact you, just be patient. I love you.

23

22 Kimchi Chigae for Yeobo

Yeobo, this will make you feel better; your favorite dish.

21...Message To Yeobo

http://www.hyperlink.ca/IVfqk

This message is for you, Yeobo.

20.. For My Beautiful Yeobo...Haeundae

19 For Yeobo

Yeobo, remember we went here, Beomeosa? Be strong, Yeobo. Think of that guy whose book you always used to read.

18...Another Song For Yeobo

I'd much rather hear you sing this song like the days of yore.

17

When it rains it pours. Now my license is about to be suspended because of a lapse in insurance when I changed companies. Now the state wants to fuck me for $200. Wonderful. If the restaurant hadn't dicked me in the ass, I would have started working and had the cash to pay the crap. Now, I have a job lined up, but getting there will be a pain in the ass. That's okay. I will deal with it. Walk and bus and taxi and walk. Pay the crap. Get my license restored, get a scooter, and get on with the show. All of this is bullshit trivial garbage. The important thing is that my wife, who I haven't seen or heard from in two damned weeks, is alive and getting better. She can't be replaced. All the other bullshit can be taken care of in time. It's all material, bureaucratic garbage. Like G.W. Bush wants almost 200 billion for HIS war in Iraq and Afghanistan. Misappropriated funds. How much have these people lost through mishandling? Millions. Anyway, I don't want to get caught up in that crap either. All I want is to talk to my wife. Good guys with good hearts usually get walked on in this lovely world we live in. But, I will stick to my guns and not become a callous son-of-a-bitch like so many. Yeobo, when we met you told me I was humorous and a humanist. I'm still a humanist, but I'm not as humorous as I once was. I dream of one day being together....."Will you go our way, together"? I dream of being together and regaining my lost humor. I miss you calling me "Babo Mungcheongi" and saying "Neo Michinya"? "Jaeminya"? Don't worry, Yeobo, I will get through this mess and rise above it and hold your hand again. I love you, Yeobo.

16...Two Songs For Yeobo..by Kim Hyun Shik

These two songs are for you, Yeobo. Sarang Hae Yo.

15

Yeobo,
I went to the beach near that restaurant we went to. The restaurant where you ran out because you said you suddenly didn't feel well. I suspected you had seen someone you didn't want to see, or didn't want me to see. Anyway, I thought of you and looked out across the water thinking how far away you are. Then I realized that I was facing the wrong direction and turned the other way. Seems to be further. I wish you were here. We could have taken a nice walk along the shore. Our friend from Ireland whom we met in your country sent me some money to help with the scooter. Very nice of him. He is worried about you. There are many people who love and want you to get well. You are such a wonderful lady. I love you and miss you tremendously. Please, take care of yourself.

14....For Yeobo....If

13

A beautiful night out with a full moon, and it may as well be -40. That's how I feel; cold, lonely, and sad as a motherfucker. A friend asked me if I'd take my wife back after she had been seeing another guy. I told him yes, I would. People make mistakes. I'm partly to blame as I left her lonely. If I had been there for her maybe she wouldn't have felt the need to fill a void. I can't beat myself up over that-it's too late to change the past. The guy she was seeing should have known better than to get involved with a married woman, let alone bruise her arms, brainwash her, and, I think, give her drugs. That's okay, too. It's never to late to learn a lesson. In fact, I am a great teacher and I believe that education should be a lifelong endeavor. Enough said on that matter. I only hope that I have the chance to get back together with my wife- I love her. Many guys would have changed the locks on their doors and never spoken to the woman again if she had been seeing another guy. I couldn't do that. Again, I love my wife. And, had I done that...she'd be dead by now or locked up in an insane asylum. I tried to save her life. Even if I hated her I would have tried to save her life. My efforts were almost in vain. She tried to kill herself when she got home. Could it have been guilt over her seeing another guy? Depression from drugs? A nervous breakdown? Depression with no foreseeable hope for the future? Who knows. The important thing is that she is alive and gets better. Another friend tells me that a mistake isn't a mistake if you learn from it. He says it's a lesson. Well, this was one costly lesson, but I sure as hell learned from it. And if I ever do have the chance to hold my wife's hand again, to hug her, to have kids with her...I will never leave her lonely again. I'll show her how I feel about her. But...I will never love another. I will never open myself up to another. No more intimacy. I even have an idea that if things don't work out, I may take one last camping trip. A winter trip, of course. High up in the mountains. I know where and when. For now, it's back to being a zombie.

12

Yeobo,
Are you sleeping now? Where? Are you at home or in the hospital? I saw some leaves falling and thought of you. They were so pretty with a soft breeze and the sunlight streaming through the trees. I cut my finger a little while ago. A deep cut. Hurt like hell, but not as the pain in my heart. See, the pain medicine I took helps physically, but doesn't do shit emotionally. Do you know the song "I'll Be Seeing You"? I'm sure you do. Well, I WILL be seeing you. Even though I wrote to the piece-of-shit Korean ambassador to the US, he never responded. It's okay, I hope the North Koreans eat his ass or feed him to the dogs. Now I've written to the Immigration authorities in Seoul and will wait to hear from them. If I don't, I will go to the consulate in NY and apply for a visa. If worse comes to worse, I WILL do a commando raid and sneak into the country. I will either be successful or be shot dead, but in either event I must try. I can't live without seeing you. Rest, Yeobo. Have sweet dreams. Remember in Jeju we ate those delicious clams? Horseback riding? Those dummies put you on that huge horse and me on a little pony. I hopped off and walked back to the office. It was worth it for that one picture I got. It's one of my best images. Luckily, I have pictures of you to look at each day. Remember, my heart is with you.

11

Wow, almost 80 visitors today and not even a one dollar donation. That's okay, I post to ease my mind. Just thought if everyone kicked in a buck, I could get a scooter to get to work. No problem.

10

$1? $5? $10? Donate today and help me get a scooter, so I can get to work. I don't promise National Health Care, Lower Taxes, or more spent on Education. Nor do I promise to veto a health bill for children. I don't steadfastly refuse to bring troops home. I am not a filthy, lying politician. I merely need to raise $1,000 to buy a scooter to get me to and from work. I need to have transportation to work two jobs, so I can pay off debts, etc., Thanks for your help.

9

Yeobo,
How are you? I cried myself to sleep last night. And every night. Morning sucks as well. So this is the big holiday, huh? I hope you're getting some sunshine. Don't worry, Yeobo, I have no intention of waiting a year and a half before seeing you. Even if your parents don't help you with airfare, or try to keep you home, I will either save up and send you a ticket, we can meet in a third country, or I will break into your country like James Bond. I was thinking the water route, but there are too many sharks. The land route would cost way too much in bribes. Let me think. I'll figure it out. And believe me, it WILL be an international incident on TV.

8

I had come back to the States, was looking for a job right away, so I could pay off some debts and save for school and have some money in case I needed to split. A new restaurant hired me. These guys were so intent on everyone learning their menu and being able to use the computer very quickly that they gave tests and said as soon as you knew the stuff you'd be on the floor. I studied and passed both tests. Then they had a wine-tasting so we would know their wines. I went to that. I even stayed after to help set-up. I wasn't scheduled for the weekend that they opened, but they said not to worry. They were trying different people out, etc., I went in the day they were to open just to help out. No pay. Just volunteered. Polished utensils, cleaned windows, mopped floors. Then they said they'd be in touch over the weekend. I had to call and call before I finally got the person responsible for scheduling on the phone. "We're all set with staff and we'll see how it pans out. Call us in a month". What fucking nerve. Then they have the audacity to send me an e-mail stating they're now open! A week and a half wasted. At least I learned something about wine. Now, I have another job lined up, but of course I'll need to get there and back. I can't call for rides late at night. I could walk. Take a while. Taxi isn't cool-it would cost more than I made. I'll see how the gig goes. With a scooter, I could get there and back without hassles, and I could find another job. This way, I'd be working as much as possible. I need the money, but it will also keep my mind busy so I don't keep thinking about my wife 7,000 miles away in a hospital and out of contact. I should stand up and beat the fuck out of the guy that was fucking with my wife, tell of the assholes at the restaurant that used me and wasted my time, and plead with immigration to allow me to visit my sick wife. Of course, they'll let in wife-beaters, rapists, and murderers....but not someone who had 1/8 gram of hash. They should get their priorities straight.

7

Yeobo,
I got most of our things into storage before we got on the plane, but when I wasn't allowed into the country and returned to the States, I went by the place and was shocked to see many more personal items. I got the rest of our stuff. Your books, photo albums, bible, and other things are all safe and sound. If you decide that you will stay there, I will ship the stuff to you when I have the money. If someday I join you there, I will ship everything. There is nothing for you to worry about. Just rest and take care of yourself. I love you.

6

I just put up the donation meter. I received a $25 donation from an angel before the meter went up, so his donation isn't shown. Thank you again. Every bit helps. Again, I'm hoping for donations so I can get a cheap scooter to get me to and from work to rebuild my life. The introduction will tell you more details.

5

Dearest Yeobo,
I know it's the biggest holiday in your country now. Do you remember when we went with your family to visit your ancestors' memorial site? It was a nice thing. At first it was difficult for me, as an American, to bow down on my hands and knees to them, and your parents as well. Then I remembered that my mother had told me that's it's not a big deal. She was right, of course. In fact, it's nice that you pay your respects to your parents and ancestors. Later we went back to your parents' and played Yeot Nari, that game with the sticks. You were on my team and we beat your dad's team and won a little money. It was a lot of fun. Well, I hope you are eating nice food now and your family is visiting. You see, Yeobo, things are sometimes bad for a lot of people, but you must never give up hope. Did you ever see the movie 'It's a Wonderful Life' with Jimmy Stewart? I'm sure you did. You know more movies than I do. Anyway, the movie is right. Everything you do affects someone else. You are too precious and loved to throw your life away. I love you, your family loves you, your friends love you. You make the world a better place for all of us. Without you in this world, it's much more difficult for the rest of us to get along. You make life enjoyable. You make people happy. You are such a sweet woman. And talented and funny, too. Think about it, you play the violin, guitar, and piano, you sing, you speak three languages, and you are a loving, kind person. I wish you a Happy Chuseok. Chuseok is like our Thanksgiving. I'm thankful that you are alive and, hopefully, getting better. I have to remind myself sometimes that there are many kind people in the world. It's tough to remember that when you read all the crap in the newspapers and see all the garbage on the news. One man just sent me some money to help me get a scooter so I can get to work. He doesn't even know me. It's that altruism that gives me hope and, though I am not a religious person, I pray you have hope. You can do anything in this life as long as you have hope. It hurts to write to you, to speak to you, and have no response. I wonder if you can feel this letter. You're far away. Very far. But, my love can travel great distances. That's how strong my love is for you. Get well, Yeobo. And keep your dreams alive. They will come true. I promise.

4

Dear Yeobo,
I hope you are well. I hope you are getting better. I hope you are at peace in your mind and gaining strength physically. I'm sorry I neglected you. I didn't mean to leave you lonely. I didn't realize how lonely you were. I should have been there for you more than I was. It's too late to change the past, but I want you to know that I am sick to my stomach with regret. I wish you hadn't gone through all of the terrible things you went through. Remember when we first met? You'd come and visit me and we'd eat some crappy food I made. We'd play music together. You played all the songs I wanted to play and told me, "I hope you are a musician in your next life". I hope you remember how I did everything I could to get you home. I must see you again in this life, Yeobo, because you know I don't believe in life after death. I dream of seeing you smile again. I dream of watching you go on the Viking again. I dream of watching you bounce down the rock steps at Kwanak-San again. I dream of watching you eat Sundae and Kimchi Chigae again. I dream of hearing you play 'If' and 'Dust in the Wind' and 'Stairway to Heaven' and 'Hotel California' on the guitar again and hearing you sing along with those songs. I dream of hearing you snore at night again. I dream of cleaning your hair out of the shower drain again. I dream of holding you in my arms again. Oh, Yeobo...I miss you so much. Please, get well. I dream of you calling me big nose ajoshi again and telling people how thin my face is. I love you, Yeobo.

3

She was a mess on the plane. She couldn't stay in her seat, she kept pacing around picking her face, she kept smoking in the bathroom, and even told me to go to the bathroom so we could have children. I told her to relax, that she was going home and everything would be ok. When we landed, immigration officers met us and whisked us away. They checked out my passport and decided that I wasn't allowed into the country until 2009 because I had been caught with 1/8 of a gram of hash in 2003. I had been put on probation for two years. Three had come and gone with no more problems. It was supposedly off the record. They had never mentioned anything about not being allowed back into the country for five years. So now we're at the airport immigration lock-up. My wife is despondent. I'm worried about her. They won't let us fly on to a third country. No, I have to return to where I came from. The prick manager of the airline told me a ticket home would cost $1,400. It had only cost $946 to go there. I told him to go fuck himself. Hours later he dropped it down to $1,025. I just had enough to get the ticket. My wife had to stay with her parents. She was very upset. So was I. She said she was going to ask her mother for money for a ticket and if she couldn't get it we'd have to separate. That was the last I saw of her almost two weeks ago. She called and said she couldn't get the ticket and we'd have to separate. She was crying. I flew home and stayed at a friend's for a few days before moving on to another 'friend's'. After corresponding with her brother, I learned she had tried to kill herself. She had jumped off a bridge. Now my head is fucking spinning. I'm in shock. I'm told she is just banged up but will be fine in time. She apparently has no access to a phone or computer. Her parents blame me. Luckily, her brother stills trusts me and has kept in touch. The only thing I can do at this point is put one foot in front of the other and try to work, pay off some debts, and save for school. I need to save enough money so that if she gets better and we get back together I can buy a ticket for her or me or both. Of course, it's tough to do anything with all this shit on my mind, but I must keep going. To work, I need a scooter. It's cheap, reliable, and easy to insure. That's why I was asking for donations. After that, I can work my ass off and do what I have to do. I'll continue to post whether I get donations or not. I do this mainly for my sanity. In fact, I have kept a journal for the last month and a half that details everything that's taken place as it took place. I may post some of that. I may not. The most important thing is my wife's health and well-being. I don't give a fuck about anything else. You will find in future posts letters to my wife, poetry, and all sorts of shit that I am not aware of, yet. I will refer to her as Yeobo, which means Honey. And now for a much-needed smoke.

2

I'm not laying blame on anyone, not even myself, though I probably started the events in motion. You see, I fucked up hard. Unfortunately, I can't turn back time. My constant going out left my wife lonely, and the fact that she had no car left her somewhat isolated. Sure, I took her here and there, got her registered for classes and helped her with schoolwork, tried to help her get a driver's license and gave her some practice driving, but I should have spent more time with her instead of going out drinking and feeling sorry for myself. Again, I fucked up. Now, back to the story....
I had finally gotten my shit together and was trying my damnedest to get things in order and enter a Master's program so we'd have a nice life together. But, I guess it was too little, too late. Turns out she had been hanging out with some fucking guy she had met at school. I had no idea. She had only mentioned that she was going out with her friends sometimes. She never told me with whom or where she was going. When she was moving in and out of the apartment, I found out that she was staying at a guy's house with his mother; A friend she'd met at school. This means she had been hanging out with this creep for about three years. One day she came home to move back in or get some things to move back out, I don't remember which. I saw she had fucking bruises on her arms. When I asked her about them, she said she'd fallen! Why no bruises on her elbows or knees? A blatant lie. Then, I saw she had a bruise the size of a grapefruit on her arm. I confronted the asshole. He said that she had grabbed the steering wheel and tried to crash the car they were in when he was driving on the highway. I told him, there's no excuse and I'd be seeing him with my ax if I saw one more bruise. I should have called the cops or beaten the shit out of him on the spot. So, now my wife is a frantic, nervous wreck. She has moved back in and she's pacing back and forth, picking her face, eyes fluttering. I thought she was on drugs. Nothing I've encountered in my many years of field testing. I told her to calm down, that no one was going to hurt her or come after her. She said she had to go back home. I said ok, I'd get her home safely. Keep in mind this is the Reader's Digest version of the events that took place. I haven't mentioned the fact that after she had moved out, I spent the utility money and drank by candlelight crying my ass off until 6am for a few weeks. I almost lost my job because I was a mess each time I went into work. I was worried sick about my wife. I told a friend of mine how she was acting. He said it sounds like she was dosed with Crystal Meth. My wife never took drugs, drank very little, and wasn't a smoker. She started chain smoking, pacing, drinking fucking sweet Marsala wine at 10 in the morning. She went so downhill, so fast. I knew I had to get her home for her safety and well-being. Away from this loser, away from all stress, and close to her family for the support I seemed unable to give her. In 24 hours I got almost all of our crap into storage, sold my vehicle, bought two plane tickets, and ran out on my landlord. I felt bad, but I had to get her home. That was the most important thing to me. I have no regrets. I'd do it all again if I had to. She comes before anything. I only wish I had shown her that before.

1

In 1997, I moved to an Asian country to teach ESL. I loved teaching, the people, the food, the mountains, and beaches. I stayed there until 1999. I came home for a visit and returned. I met my wife. We fell in love and got married in late 2000. We were quite happy there. We both worked and went for walks and took little vacations. It was a nice time in my life. My mother became very ill sometime around 2003. She had a stroke and was also diagnosed with colon cancer. I knew I had to get home to take care of her. My wife got her papers in order and we came to the States in January of 2004. I actually thought I could take care of my mother and return to school full time and work. I soon learned that was an impossible task. Feeding one's mother through a tube and giving medicine to stop the crying in pain really takes a toll on a person. It fucking ruined me. So here I am living with my wife at my mother's house and my head is spinning. My wife helped change her diapers and clean her up before we got a fat woman that had a stuttering problem sent over from the hospital to live-in and care for my mother. Of course, she wasn't allowed to give medicine or feed her. She could just change and clean my mom and wash bed sheets, etc., Other than that, she just watched TV or talked on the phone. Very frustrating. Right or wrong, I ended up going back to abusing alcohol, among other things. I did crappy in school, slowly dropping courses. After my mother passed away in late 2004, I was emotionally fucked for quite a while. I went back to school and trudged along just barely getting by. Soon, I needed major ear surgery. This set me back with my schooling as well. It took about a year to recover from that mess. Now it was the summer of 2007. The restaurant I worked at closed. I'd worked there for 3 years off and on. The last several months they were dead and I fell behind on everything. I bounced back and got a job making very good money at an Italian place. My wife was working. Not her dream job, but making decent money. I took two summer courses and did very well. I was hoping to get into a Master's program in September or January. But, in August through September, the walls caved in. My wife moved in and out several times saying she wanted a divorce, then saying she wanted children. She said she couldn't take her job anymore and that she wanted to return home. If she could have waited a month or so, I could have saved up and done things properly. But, life doesn't always work the way you want it to.

INTRODUCTION

First, let me say that I am not looking to get rich from this blog. I AM hoping to get $1,000 in donations so I can get a scooter right away. Why? Because living in an isolated area, I need transportation to work. I am looking for jobs, but it's very difficult without wheels. I had a well-paying job, a nice apartment near the water, and a great four-wheel drive vehicle that was paid for. I threw all of this away to save my wife's life. She had what appears to me as a nervous breakdown of sorts. I had to put everything into storage, sell my vehicle, and leave my apartment in the course of 24 hours. I got her to her home country, where I wasn't allowed entry due to a past incident. I will be allowed in in a year and a half. Luckily, I had enough money to buy a ticket home. She left the airport, and I haven't seen or spoken to her since. That was about two weeks ago. I have since heard from her brother that she tried to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge. She lived, got bruised up, is resting at a hospital, and will be 'ok'. I do not know how she is physically or mentally. I haven't spoken to her. This blog will detail the events leading up to this catastrophe and details of my broken life and broken heart. Again, any amount you can donate to help me get transportation so I can work would be greatly appreciated. I see people have donated millions to the MOVEON organization...I need only $1,000. The rest I will manage through hard work.